


Ambluance Rides and Impromptu Standup Comedy

by EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne



Category: Sharp Zero (Webcomic)
Genre: Ace calls an ambulance, Alex gets thrown out a window, Alex is caused pain, M/M, etc - Freeform, getting thrown out of windows, hospital stays, interrupted dog walks, slight angst, thank you friends who helped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 23:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16274966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne/pseuds/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne
Summary: AU in which Alex and Ace still haven’t met.Redshift did not have the best relationship with the LAPD. This was in part because of Alex being Alex and mostly because the cops were assholes.That relationship was not about to be improved.In fact, that relationship was about to get shot to shit.





	Ambluance Rides and Impromptu Standup Comedy

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my friends Polynomial Pandemic who gave me the prompt and Birlcholtz who gave me the idea to have Alex land on a cop car.

Ace and Kate were walking Lil Ashtray, as usual, and Kate was bugging him about crushes, as usual.

“Well why  _ don’t _ you go to more bars or clubs or something? You’d meet more people.”

“Kate, you are talking about my ‘prince charming’- your words, not mine- and if I had one, he would not be so easily picked up.”

“Okay, let me rephrase that: stop being a hookup number and start sleeping with people you actually care about, because if you don’t it’ll shred your soul more than it already has.”

“Dammit Kate, the perfect man isn’t going to just  _ fall out of the sky _ !”

Ace would have added something to that, but at that very moment, Redshift- tall, handsome, and extremely annoying as always, landed on the cop car next to him.

“Holy shit.”

“Since we’re actually his enemies should we like. Walk off or something? I don’t want to get involved in this, especially since we’re dressed as civilians- Ace? Ace, what are you-”

“Kate?”

“Yeah?”

“How far did he fall?”

Kate looked up at the office building they were next to, and Ace hesitantly leaned closer to the (tall, handsome, dickish) super, who seemed to be unconcious.

“Ace?”

“Yes?”

“Ten stories.”

Ace froze, before he pulled out his phone and called an ambulance. 

“Why-”

“I don’t think he’s breathing.”

Kate took Lil Ashtray home, and Ace, as slowly and carefully as he could allow himself to, hauled Redshift off the smashed-in roof of the car.

He wasn’t breathing.

But he had a pulse, and that was enough.

Ace looked around, and since there had been a fight going on, nobody  _ was _ around, for which he was eternally grateful.

Prying Red’s mask off wasn’t easy. He was pretty sure Deathwish, Grasshopper, Coldfront, and Captain Stardust were beating the shit out of whoever threw their friend out a window.

Ace didn’t recognize the (very handsome) face underneath it, but by then the ambulance pulled up, paramedics rushing over.

_ That was fast. _

One man in his late sixties came over, likely the field surgeon (someone had to get all the glass out of Redshift’s skin- his suit was in pretty bad shape).

“Is this-”

“Redshift. Yeah. How bout we don’t say jack shit about what we saw today?”

“Sonny, I’ve taken care of Vindicators before. Me n’ my team won’t say nothin’.”

At that moment, the man was somewhat shoved out of the way by a frantic nurse.

“Sir, can you sign off as a relative?”

“I don’t even know the guy.”

“Can you lie anyway?”

“I mean- sure? I guess?”

Ace signed the papers. Redshift was put on a bed stretcher thing, and they loaded both him  _ and  _ Ace into the ambulance (probably to keep Ace from blabbing or something).

Oddly enough, the thing had two sections: one for the patient and whoever they kidnapped with them, and one for the paramedics. The nurses and doctors sat behind the driver and passenger side, but Ace and Redshift were very much alone when he woke up.

“Hnn- Coldfront-”

Ace shot bolt upright from where he’d been slouching.

“Redshift?”

“Oh, _ fuck _ .”

“What, is it the hair?” Ace asked wryly.

“A civilian saw me sans mask, do you think that’s gonna make  _ anyone _ happy?”

“It makes me happy because I got to see your lovely face. Now. What the flying fuck happened, because all I know is that you got thrown out a window, landed on the cop car next to me, scared the  _ shit _ out of my dog- thanks, by the way- I called an ambulance and my friend took the dog home before I pried your mask off since you weren’t breathing. There, you’re all caught up.”

“Where are we going?”

Ace blinked.

“You almost died and are now in an ambulance. Where do those  _ usually _ end up?”

“Fuck you.”

“Buy me dinner first.”

Redshift groaned.

“Is that pain caused by puns or pain caused by pain?”

“I don’t think pain causes pain. It… that doesn’t seem possible. Yes it was-  _ shit _ did they leave like, glass shards in my torso or something?”

“Yeah.”

“ _ WHY!?” _

“Tone it down drama queen. Because they can’t exactly operate while you’re lying on asphalt.”

“Everything hurts.”

“I’m actually genuinely sorry about that.”

He really did look pitiful. The red spots dotting the bandages helped.

Ace rolled his eyes and started telling the corniest jokes he could think of.

It was a lot harder to be heartless when Ace could  _ see _ the pain on his face, and if he  _ could _ distract the (tall, extremely hot, not actually an asshole 24/7) super, he would.

 

Alex was sitting in one of the hospital beds. The team that picked him up had been good- he had no roommates, and, after the surgery, no uniform.

Eli would be pissed, but he’d almost died, so he wouldn’t be  _ too  _ pissed. Whoever the green haired guy who’d called the ambulance had been, he was gone now- which was a pity, he was cute and then Samira could have stopped bitching at him about crushes.

“Now, Alex, I’m only doing this so Eli can’t.”

Alex turned, and saw…

Elliot.

Holding several rolls of duct tape.

“Elliot?”

“We both know you’re gonna try and escape as soon as you can walk. I’m not letting that happen and I got permission from your doctor, who is very fond of this idea.”

Alex watched, because Elliot was right, he couldn’t walk, and at this point he couldn’t even move- the surgery to actually get all the glass to stay outside of him was a few hours ago and everything  _ hurt _ , and at this point he’d even take the cute guy with green hair and witty comebacks and cool tattoos and no shirt (that was weird, Alex’s brain said. Shut up, Alex said) to distract him.

Elliot duct taped him to the hospital bed, just as Eli had said he’d do the last time Alex wound up in the hospital.

“Elliot,  _ why  _ are you doing this?”

“I told you.”

“Why are you really doing this.”

“Danny and Eli told me to.”

“Wh-  _ Danny _ ?”

“Yep. I believe when he told me I had to and handed me the duct tape, I said something like ‘what the hell’ and he responded with ‘desperate times call for weirdass measures’, so here we are.”

When Alex was sufficiently mummified, Elliot left (and the experience was so weird Alex kind of wondered if it really happened), and a nurse came in and stuck something into one of the tubes feeding into one of his arms, and Alex fell asleep.

 

Crank was sitting on a roof with Dispatch, as he was wont to do. She was watching the target and he was watching her back, as usual, when a blur of red caught his eye.

_ Hang on, I rode with him to the hospital three fucking days ago. _

“I’ll be back,” he said, and jumped off the roof.

Sure enough, Redshift was waiting in the alley below.

“So, what are you two looking-”

“What the hell are you doing up? Someone threw you out a window ten stories up, and landing on a cop car did  _ not _ improve your relationship with them, so at the very least you should still be stuck in meetings.”

When Redshift stilled (and Red never stilled, never stopped moving even if it was just fidgeting with hands the way he had the whole ride to the hospital, as though he only stood still for the moments in which the world did the same thing), Crank realized: he’d fucked up.

“Why do you care?”

“Because my winning our fight is only fair if you aren’t fighting like a seventy year old man with terminal bone cancer, as opposed to your usual fighting style which is just a seventy year old man.”

Crank was pretty sure Red was glaring, though he couldn’t exactly tell.

“It was you.”

_ Fuck. _

“The guy who rode with me to the hospital. It was you, you called the ambulance and told me corny jokes and apparently have a dog- though I’m pretty sure the dog is dead or something-”

“I take care of my dog more than I take care of myself, and that is the truth.”

“Now that I think about it, I recognize the hair, too.”

“I’m sure you do, Red. Now. Back to the part where you underwent a massive surgery three days ago and are now going around picking fights.”

Redshift didn’t respond.

 

Redshift didn’t respond.

_ Crank saw me without the mask. _

_ A villain saw me without the mask, I have to- tell Eli, or- or- _

It was almost comical, how quickly his mind went back to the day his father died because somehow, someone had gotten their hands on his identity and tried to kill his kids to get to him.

_ What if he does a facial search- oh god, oh god what if he finds Danny I  _ can’t _ let that happen again- _

“Red? Hospital. You. Now. Come on.”

And all of a sudden, Crank had grabbed his wrist and was pulling him towards the hospital three blocks away.

He numbly followed.

 

_ I probably scared the shit out of him. Wasn’t the Supercide caused by someone getting their hands on a list of every super ever and releasing it to the general public of the villain community? _

“And for the record, I’m not planning on using any of the information I now have against you. I haven’t even told Dispatch.”

Crank got them both into Red’s hospital room, and gently shoved him over until he sat on the bed, and then laid down on it.

“I can’t risk you not using the information against me.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ve seen my face, too- and you can probably fuck my life up a lot more than I could fuck up yours. I won’t say shit if you don’t.”

“So it’s a mutual we-won’t-blackmail-each-other thing?”

“Yes.”

_ Damn he’s cute. And hot. And nice. _

_ Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. _

“I hate it. Okay. Do we shake on it, or-”

“If the doctor comes in and sees you in uniform he’ll kill you.”

“If he sees  _ you _ he’ll kill us both.

“I’ll ditch the shirt and the gloves, he’ll think I’m being edgy.”

And, true to his word, Ace did. He stuffed everything in a closet (ha) and when he turned around, Red had changed as well.

“So, again, do we shake-”

“In medieval times contracts were often sealed with kisses.”

_ Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. _

Redshift raise an eyebrow.

“What.”

_ Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit- _

“Well you seem to want the Contract Seal Plus, so I’m just saying.”

_ Not my best, but not my worst. _

Red was… blushing.

“I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want- MMPH!”

Ace was cut off by a pair of (very soft) lips crashing into his own.

Redshift (he  _ still _ didn’t know the guy’s name) was kissing him, and was a very good kisser, and was tall and handsome and scared to death of anyone finding out who he was (Ace knew the Supercide had gone easy on exactly no one), and wasn’t actually that much of a dick.

_ You don’t have to buy me dinner first. _

The window shattered.

Two extremely pissed murder cats stood, one of them in full demon form and the other holding a pair of  _ very _ sharp knives.

“ _ Get away from my friend _ ,” Deathwish hissed. Ace sprang away from Redshift, pretty much scrambling across the room.

“ _ ACE!? _ ”

The white-and-green haired singer turned, and Sharp Zero, in a cloud of smoke, turned into Elliot Hong.

“Fucking hell  _ of course _ you’re the dumbass who died and got superpowers,” Ace said.

“Quit your bitching and explain exactly why the fuck you’re kissing my boyfriends brother.”

Deathwish,  _ Danny’s brother _ , and Ace stared at Elliot in various types of ‘what the fuck’.

“YOU KNOW THE ASSHOLE WHO ALMOST KILLED ME EIGHT TIMES!?”

“YOU REVEALED THE IDENTITY OF A VINDICATOR TO A VILLAIN!?”

“YOU KNOW THE IDIOT I’VE BEEN FORCED TO MOTHER FOR THREE DAYS!?”

Elliot, seemingly realizing his mistake, poofed back into demon form, turned around, and tried to jump out of the hole where the window used to be, before Deathwish grabbed him by the collar and tossed him back into the room.

“................................”

Deathwish turned back to Red.

“Okay, since you’re already pretty screwed, Alex, who kissed who first? Eli likes to be exact.”

“...I kissed him.”

Ace blinked ( _ Alex _ was fidgeting, and he was aware of it, which he only did when he was nervous, and he was fidgeting with his hands, which he only did when he was a little scared), and Deathwish sighed.

“Elliot, don’t bother taping him to the bed.  _ Ace _ , if I come back and there is so much as a new bruise on him-” they pointed to Alex “-I will kill you. Alex, if you leave this room before I come back with everyone so Eli can kill you, I will kill you. Elliot, come on.”

Ace was pretty sure he heard them mutter ‘this is gonna be a long ass report’ as they walked out with Elliot in tow, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Okay, since I kissed you first, can you at least kiss me back before my boss gets here and we’re both murdered?”

Ace turned around and smashed his lips into Alex’s.

Needless to say, Eli was extremely pissed when he found out the most famous Vindicator was making out with his most famous enemy.


End file.
